2024, june 5

i return to you what you’ve knowingly or unknowingly passed on to me and what is not mine to carry.

i learned this phrase during my coaching training, and it often works wonders for my friends, my coachees, and myself. you can think of it when you feel you’ve picked up something from someone else that doesn‘t belong to you — maybe it’s misplaced anger, an unfair judgment, or someone else’s projections. sometimes, these things might not even stem directly from another person, but from a societal system. i love this phrase because it’s non-blaming and liberating.

exercise: internal visualization

1. find a quiet space where you can sit comfortably without interruptions. close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to center yourself.

2. visualize the person or system to whom you want to return something.

3. imagine holding what has been passed onto you as a tangible object, like a ball or a bundle. see yourself holding it in your hands.

4. mentally return this ‘object’ to the person or system. as you do this, you can say:

   “i return to you what you’ve passed on to me — knowingly or unknowingly — and what is not mine to carry.“

5. optionally add a thank-you: if you feel a special connection or gratitude, you can add

   “thank you for all the good that has come from you to me.”

6. release the visualization and open your eyes when you feel ready.

MORE COACHING INSIGHTS

2024, may 18

i recently attended a global conference for solution-focused practitioners, and it was mind-blowing and spectacular. one of the many things i loved about the conference was how much people engaged in positive gossip about their colleagues, mentors, and others. i realized this had three effects on me: first, i got to learn fascinating things about others. second, it strengthened my trust in this community, knowing that people speak appreciatively behind each other's backs. and third, it inspired me to notice qualities in others that i might otherwise take for granted.

positive gossip can be a powerful tool to nurture a culture of kindness, appreciation, and curiosity. you can do it as a proper team exercise, but also just casually get in the habit of it in your daily work or personal life. by asking these questions to others or even just to yourself, you can shift your focus to the things you appreciate in others, enhancing relationships and community spirit.

questions to inspire positive gossip

1. what do you appreciate about \[person's name]?

2. what is something you admire about \[person's name] that they might not know?

3. share a moment when \[person's name] made a positive difference in your life or work.

4. what unique perspective, talent, or vibe does \[person's name] bring to the team or to your friendship?

5. what is one thing you appreciate about \[person's name]'s approach to challenges?

6. how does \[person's name] contribute to a pleasant atmosphere in the workplace or social gatherings?

7. what is a small act of kindness that \[person's name] has done for you or others?

8. in what ways does \[person's name] show dedication and commitment to their work or to your relationship?

9. what is something \[person's name] does that often goes unnoticed but would be sorely missed if it weren't done?

team exercise: positive gossip triads

1. divide the group into triads (groups of three).

2. two people talk pleasantly about the third person, sharing things they appreciate or find impressive.

3. they take turns speaking, responding with "yes, and…" to add more appreciative comments.

4. the person being discussed listens quietly.

5. rotate roles so each person gets a turn to be the focus of pleasant gossip.

MORE COACHING INSIGHTS

2024, may 9

creative writing for mental health

almost every night just before sleeping, i write down a few good moments and visual snapshots of the day in my bedtime diary. this practice helps me take something pleasant into my sleep and gives me something joyful to think about when i wake up. i developed this routine when i was struggling emotionally and i desperately needed something to shift my mind at night (for the night is dark and full of terrors). over time, i've noticed that not only does this practice nourish my mental health, but it also enriches my creative writing. many of the snippets i create at bedtime find their way into my other texts. though it is very important for me not to aim for producing valuable snippets of writing because that shifts away from the original purpose: to capture and create a pleasant good night feeling.

prompt 1: good moments of the day

• write down 1-4 moments that were good (enough) today.

• this can be a moment when

  you felt a connection

  you experienced flow

  you accomplished something

  something made you smile or laugh

  you felt like life is doing you a favor

  you felt relieved

  you felt joy

prompt 2: sensual details of my favourite vibe today

• write down a kind of delicious vibe or mood from today that you‘d like to carry with you into your sleep

• capture the sensory details associated with that mood:

  visual details

  sounds

  scents

  flavours

  tactile feel

  bodily sensations

prompt 3: visual snapshots of the day

• capture 5 visual snapshots of the day. they can be very small, as long as they feel beautiful to you.

  example: ……jacaranda flowers float on puddles, some final leftovers from spring in november. at home, my sunnies cast a coca-cola-colored shadow on the wall, and i let myself fall into bed where dark blue siesta sleep starts creeping into my tired muscles. later, a waiter sets a sizzling plate on our table, and its steam fills the air, blending with the light of red lanterns… (excerpt from my bedtime diary)

prompt 4: first thoughts when waking up

• complete the sentence:

  »tomorrow when i wake up, the first thing i want to think of to buoy my mood:…«

  what else?

  what else?

  what else?

  example: »i want to think of my new running shoes, remember that i cleaned the kitchen, and look forward to the global conference on friday…«

note: it can be pretty mundane. this might be the least poetic prompt — but who knows. a lot of times i only see the poetic aspects in hindsight when i scroll through all my diary entries.

MORE JOURNALING

2024, may 3

self-coaching: my 3 go-to-questions for emotional first-aid

i'm very experienced with tough days. i'm an expert in having emotional rollercoasters, hardcore pms-ing, feeling like my heart was ripped on some barbed wire, thinking that i’m a monster and the world is ending — over the past years i’ve put together an emotional first-aid kit of self-coaching techniques that help me be kind to myself and feel okay-ish enough to get through the day.

question 1: what is the next thing i can do to make my situation even worse

• this question prompts me to identify the usual actions that would make me feel even worse — and then not take them.

• this is a counter-intuitive question and might sound surprising because i’m usually all for solution-focused questions. but somehow, this paradoxical intervention has been extremely helpful for me on tough days.

• it often makes me laugh and reminds me of the choices i can control.

• after identifying potential pitfalls, i choose to do something else instead.

question 2: what would my inner old lady do to comfort me now?

• my inner old lady is a cool subversive korean woman with a rough voice and the looks of hannah arendt. she has a fireplace, a well-equipped house bar, and excels at distinguishing what‘s worth worrying about and what isn‘t.

• i can’t remember deliberately creating my inner old lady; i guess she just emerged when i wondered what kind of comforting words i would need right now and how i imagine the wise person who would say those words to me.

• last time i turned to my inner old lady on a shitty day, she sat me down by her fireplace, handed me a hot chocolate with rum, acknowledged the shittiness of my day and then said, ‘this crap of a day belongs in the flames, not in your album of life.’

• do you have an inner carer? they don‘t necessarily have to be an old lady like mine. the inner carer is a wise and kind figure that validates and comforts you. they can be real-person inspired or completely fictional.

• if you want to imagine one up, you might want to ask yourself:

• what kind words do i need to hear right now?

• how do i imagine the wise person who would say those words to me?

• if you like my fireplace lady though, i‘m sure she will be warm and welcoming to you. she has an open house.

question 3: what are 1-3 things i can be pleased with that i managed to do despite the day‘s challenges?

• this might be as simple as taking out the trash, making the bed, or eating a tangerine.

• they feel like real accomplishments when everything else feels overwhelming.

• acknowledging these little victories anchors me.

MORE COACHING INSIGHTS

2024, april 25

last year, i hit a point where it felt like my focus on future planning and goal-setting started taking a toll on my mental health. it pushed me into some kind of neoliberal grindset. i realized, i needed to refocus on the here and now—on what was good or good enough in my current life, rather than what i wanted to achieve in the future. so, i put together a list of 21 questions to help me shift my view. during my morning walks, i would reflect on one of these questions. i’m sharing these questions here in case they might help you too.

sometimes, these questions are exactly what i need, but of course, they don’t work for every situation for everyone. sometimes, they even add pressure or nourish a toxic positivity mindset. for me, though, they’ve been a real help in letting myself lean back into the present.

1. 5 visual details you will enjoy remembering from your current life.

2. 3 traits of your current personality that you’re pleased with.

3. what is simply good in your life right now?

4. 5 experiences or memories that you have with loved ones or friends that you cherish, but that you might not think to appreciate on a daily basis.

5. if you had seen scenes from your current life in a film trailer ten years ago, what would have excited you about your future life?

6. 3 quirks about yourself that would make you endearing to an audience if you were a character in a book or movie.

7. 5 small pleasures that you’ve experienced lately, but that might get overlooked in the hustle and bustle of daily life.

8. 3 flavours that capture the good parts of your life.

9. 3 things you want to celebrate about the progress you’ve made this season of the year.

10. 5 moments when you felt truly present and fully engaged.

11. 3 scents that remind you of the good parts of your life.

12. a couple of years from now, what aspects of your current life will you look back on with envy for your past self? (envy in a kind and enjoyable way)

13. 3 small acts of kindness that you’ve witnessed or experienced recently.

14. 3 accomplishments or experiences from recent years that once seemed impossible.

15. 3 words that describe the good parts of your life as a texture.

16. 3 scenes from your current life that feel cinematic to you, as if you were a character in a movie.

17. 3 moments in your recent life when you felt connected to something greater than yourself.

18. 3 things you’ve done recently that first scared you, but turned out to be good.

19. if you saw your life from the outside, what would spark envy (in a kind way)?

20. one favor that life has done for you recently?

21. 3 things you would say in a love song to your current life.

MORE COACHING INSIGHTS

2024, april 9

one of my coachee couples inspired me to design debrief questions for after their conflict conversations. i’m sharing these debrief questions here. you can also use these questions for other relationships—friends, siblings, other family members, or colleagues—to reconnect after difficult conversations. the questions are designed to focus on the relationship’s strengths, resources, and hopes.

here’s how it works: both individuals first take a moment to reflect on the questions, and then take some time (about 5-10 minutes each) to share their answers.

1. one thing i appreciate about the difficult conversation we had.

2. a moment when i felt understood, heard, or seen by you during the difficult conversation.

3. one aspect where i feel i understand or hear you, or empathize with you better than before—or more than i might have expressed during the difficult parts of that conversation.

4. one learning i’m taking away that will help us co-create our preferred future together, help us move towards the change/improvement we’re both wishing for.

5. one thing i might need from you the next time we have a difficult conversation, or one way you could make the next conversation a bit easier for me at the start.

6. one thing that makes me (even more) confident that we can move towards our preferred future — that we can move towards the change/improvement we’re both hoping for.

MORE COACHING INSIGHTS