2024, june 5

i return to you what you’ve knowingly or unknowingly passed on to me and what is not mine to carry.

i learned this phrase during my coaching training, and it often works wonders for my friends, my coachees, and myself. you can think of it when you feel you’ve picked up something from someone else that doesn‘t belong to you — maybe it’s misplaced anger, an unfair judgment, or someone else’s projections. sometimes, these things might not even stem directly from another person, but from a societal system. i love this phrase because it’s non-blaming and liberating.

exercise: internal visualization

1. find a quiet space where you can sit comfortably without interruptions. close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to center yourself.

2. visualize the person or system to whom you want to return something.

3. imagine holding what has been passed onto you as a tangible object, like a ball or a bundle. see yourself holding it in your hands.

4. mentally return this ‘object’ to the person or system. as you do this, you can say:

   “i return to you what you’ve passed on to me — knowingly or unknowingly — and what is not mine to carry.“

5. optionally add a thank-you: if you feel a special connection or gratitude, you can add

   “thank you for all the good that has come from you to me.”

6. release the visualization and open your eyes when you feel ready.

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2024, may 26

when i’m facing a busy work marathon, i start my day with an intention-setting walk. during this walk, i ask myself a series of questions to help ease the pressure and make my day lighter while still making progress on what’s important.

i usually do this intention-setting via voice messaging with my best friend. but of course, there are many ways to do it: by journaling, talking to a colleague, talking to chatgpt, or simply doing it in your head.

questions for intention-setting

• what motto or mantra can guide me today?

  this could be something like:

  — ‘i’m done when it’s good enough’ (not perfect)

  — ‘focus on one step at a time’ (rather than the whole mountain to climb)

  — ‘any doubts are staying outside today, and i can check in with them tomorrow morning’

• what’s one thing that will help me stay focused today?

  this could be something like:

  — check my phone only in the breaks

• what’s one thing that can make my work more enjoyable and effortless today?

  this could be something like:

  — work in bed, snuggled up in a blanket

  — for the mini-essay, write down just your main thought (rather than ten thoughts)

• what can i declutter from my day today?

  this could be something like:

  — no need to squeeze in the gym today. put the gym on my not-to-do list.

  — the dishes can wait today. put the dishes on my not-to-do list.

• what permission do i want to give myself today to make the day even easier?

  this could be something like:

  — order food instead of cooking

  — allow myself to be hurting and complaining (rather than trying to be delighted only because i chose this work and it’s my passion)

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2024, may 3

self-coaching: my 3 go-to-questions for emotional first-aid

i'm very experienced with tough days. i'm an expert in having emotional rollercoasters, hardcore pms-ing, feeling like my heart was ripped on some barbed wire, thinking that i’m a monster and the world is ending — over the past years i’ve put together an emotional first-aid kit of self-coaching techniques that help me be kind to myself and feel okay-ish enough to get through the day.

question 1: what is the next thing i can do to make my situation even worse

• this question prompts me to identify the usual actions that would make me feel even worse — and then not take them.

• this is a counter-intuitive question and might sound surprising because i’m usually all for solution-focused questions. but somehow, this paradoxical intervention has been extremely helpful for me on tough days.

• it often makes me laugh and reminds me of the choices i can control.

• after identifying potential pitfalls, i choose to do something else instead.

question 2: what would my inner old lady do to comfort me now?

• my inner old lady is a cool subversive korean woman with a rough voice and the looks of hannah arendt. she has a fireplace, a well-equipped house bar, and excels at distinguishing what‘s worth worrying about and what isn‘t.

• i can’t remember deliberately creating my inner old lady; i guess she just emerged when i wondered what kind of comforting words i would need right now and how i imagine the wise person who would say those words to me.

• last time i turned to my inner old lady on a shitty day, she sat me down by her fireplace, handed me a hot chocolate with rum, acknowledged the shittiness of my day and then said, ‘this crap of a day belongs in the flames, not in your album of life.’

• do you have an inner carer? they don‘t necessarily have to be an old lady like mine. the inner carer is a wise and kind figure that validates and comforts you. they can be real-person inspired or completely fictional.

• if you want to imagine one up, you might want to ask yourself:

• what kind words do i need to hear right now?

• how do i imagine the wise person who would say those words to me?

• if you like my fireplace lady though, i‘m sure she will be warm and welcoming to you. she has an open house.

question 3: what are 1-3 things i can be pleased with that i managed to do despite the day‘s challenges?

• this might be as simple as taking out the trash, making the bed, or eating a tangerine.

• they feel like real accomplishments when everything else feels overwhelming.

• acknowledging these little victories anchors me.

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2024, april 25

last year, i hit a point where it felt like my focus on future planning and goal-setting started taking a toll on my mental health. it pushed me into some kind of neoliberal grindset. i realized, i needed to refocus on the here and now—on what was good or good enough in my current life, rather than what i wanted to achieve in the future. so, i put together a list of 21 questions to help me shift my view. during my morning walks, i would reflect on one of these questions. i’m sharing these questions here in case they might help you too.

sometimes, these questions are exactly what i need, but of course, they don’t work for every situation for everyone. sometimes, they even add pressure or nourish a toxic positivity mindset. for me, though, they’ve been a real help in letting myself lean back into the present.

1. 5 visual details you will enjoy remembering from your current life.

2. 3 traits of your current personality that you’re pleased with.

3. what is simply good in your life right now?

4. 5 experiences or memories that you have with loved ones or friends that you cherish, but that you might not think to appreciate on a daily basis.

5. if you had seen scenes from your current life in a film trailer ten years ago, what would have excited you about your future life?

6. 3 quirks about yourself that would make you endearing to an audience if you were a character in a book or movie.

7. 5 small pleasures that you’ve experienced lately, but that might get overlooked in the hustle and bustle of daily life.

8. 3 flavours that capture the good parts of your life.

9. 3 things you want to celebrate about the progress you’ve made this season of the year.

10. 5 moments when you felt truly present and fully engaged.

11. 3 scents that remind you of the good parts of your life.

12. a couple of years from now, what aspects of your current life will you look back on with envy for your past self? (envy in a kind and enjoyable way)

13. 3 small acts of kindness that you’ve witnessed or experienced recently.

14. 3 accomplishments or experiences from recent years that once seemed impossible.

15. 3 words that describe the good parts of your life as a texture.

16. 3 scenes from your current life that feel cinematic to you, as if you were a character in a movie.

17. 3 moments in your recent life when you felt connected to something greater than yourself.

18. 3 things you’ve done recently that first scared you, but turned out to be good.

19. if you saw your life from the outside, what would spark envy (in a kind way)?

20. one favor that life has done for you recently?

21. 3 things you would say in a love song to your current life.

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2024, april 16

journaling session | \~60 min

on my birthday i love doing this journaling session to envision the delicious beauty of the new year i‘m entering today. you can do these prompts even when it‘s not your birthday. or in other words, it might be your birthday every day.

warm up | 5 min

• jot down moments from the past few days you wish to capture in a mental snapshot.

takeaways | 5 min

• what do you want to bring from your ending year into the new one?

• insights, relationships, people, habits, developments, ….etc.

goodbye ! | 5 min

• list 3 things, areas, habits you’re leaving behind in your past life and not taking into your new year. thanks and goodbye!

your deliciously beautiful year | 15 min

• imagine in ten years from now, a friend asks you about the best year of your life. alongside your other favourite years, you‘ll mention the age you are entering today. “xx was a highlight year, i love diving back into its memories.”

• what made this year stand out deliciously beautifully?

hidden desires | 10 min

• suppose there’s a part inside you whose longings you’ve been ignoring without knowing any better. a part that wants to be heard.

• what does this part seek from life? what does this part wish for you in life?

• envision your new year fulfilling these hidden desires in the most pleasant way. what do you see? what difference might that make?

what‘s good right now | 5 min

• back to the present: what elements make your life good (enough) as it is right now?

dream slices into reality | 5 min

• imagine incorporating a slice of the dream life from your deliciously beautiful year or hidden desires in the upcoming weeks.

• what small aspect of this dream do you want to weave into your everyday life?

• this could be a habit, a moment of joy, a perspective shift, ...etc.

permission | 3 min

• what permission do you want to give yourself for your birthday today?

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2024, april 9

one of my coachee couples inspired me to design debrief questions for after their conflict conversations. i’m sharing these debrief questions here. you can also use these questions for other relationships—friends, siblings, other family members, or colleagues—to reconnect after difficult conversations. the questions are designed to focus on the relationship’s strengths, resources, and hopes.

here’s how it works: both individuals first take a moment to reflect on the questions, and then take some time (about 5-10 minutes each) to share their answers.

1. one thing i appreciate about the difficult conversation we had.

2. a moment when i felt understood, heard, or seen by you during the difficult conversation.

3. one aspect where i feel i understand or hear you, or empathize with you better than before—or more than i might have expressed during the difficult parts of that conversation.

4. one learning i’m taking away that will help us co-create our preferred future together, help us move towards the change/improvement we’re both wishing for.

5. one thing i might need from you the next time we have a difficult conversation, or one way you could make the next conversation a bit easier for me at the start.

6. one thing that makes me (even more) confident that we can move towards our preferred future — that we can move towards the change/improvement we’re both hoping for.

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